Spiritual development is lost without a deep understanding of the body. Many may resolve their relationship with themselves in this way as in the saying ‘we are not our bodies’ but essentially, who are we without them? I was that person too and now, I see it differently, well, I now experience it differently.
As a bodyworker, I have made it my life’s mission to assist others in relieving physical pain, albeit often accompanied with emotional pain. People come to me in discomfort, with chronic conditions, often unresolved by other means, and I manage to create the space for others to find ease. I too have become accustomed to addressing my own physical ailments, conditions, and injuries in the same way, by reaching into my deep toolbox or remedies, also to find this same comfort and ease.
These remedies have proven to be effective and yet here I am, experiencing something new. We have been conditioned to remove what causes us pain, and if there is pain, to move away from it. But there is also another approach, that I believe many don’t utilize enough or even know it to be a possibility. The whole concept of being uncomfortable and that there are things that wait us on the other side of pain that holds so much deep truth. In the modern day wellness culture, it is often only understood as a quote worthy of an Instagram post. Are you truly willing to be uncomfortable?
Let’s look at one of the most popular means of ‘transformation’ these days - ayahuasca retreats or psychedelics for that matter. The word “retreat” alone should tell you that it may not be a fully transformational experience. To be purging your demons while on a beautiful resort, in between massages, and excessive ‘down-time’ doesn’t sound so transformational, maybe, insightful, at most. And even with the gained insight, how many actually know or understand how to integrate or apply what they have learned. The whole concept of integration alone tells you that there is a ‘miss’ in the equation of the most profound way to address your deepest, and darkest parts of self. I have now experienced there are more accessible and sustainable ways to transcend, not easy yet indeed life-changing.
Currently, I am less than two weeks in to a zen training program that will last over three months. This program involves an intense physical training in martial arts, fine arts, and zazen (meditation). And intense is a conservative choice of words to describe the approach to finding zen through the body. I have never experienced anything like this, in regards to the profound lessons I encounter everyday. And I mean every day, there are many moments of me facing off with my habits, behaviors, programmings, conditionings, all of those things that we may not be so aware of and yet, they influence everything we do.
Here, in less than two weeks, I can sense a deeper clarity and even a hint of peace, I can feel it in my breath. Every day I am diving deeper into the subconscious as if there is a magnetic pull here that allows it all to come to the surface in ways that may seem simple, like on a ceramic wheel, on a meditation cushion, while painting a fence, washing dishes, planting a tree, sword fighting, or even pulling weeds. How does all that is buried within me, just come to life in these activities? All of my habits, wide open.
In addition to the reprogramming of all that has designed my being, I have realized a newfound respect for pain felt, and received, and for the pain that others feel. At once, I would have immediately sought the need to transmute the pain, alleviate the pain, remove the pain, whether it was someone else’s and especially if it were mine. But now, I realize the missed opportunity in not meeting the pain head on.
I have realized that in my bodywork practice, I don’t necessarily ‘relieve’ them of their pain but I offer them a shift in perspective of their pain which allows me to believe that pain is malleable, and mutable, not fixed. And so when meeting your pain, to not always finding ways to alleviate, escape, or distract, what if you were to face your pain head on?
During one of my intense meditation sits, I received this message - ‘Many may think that we fight other people, places, or things, but our biggest fight and only fight is with ourselves.’ We only ever fight ourselves. And so when meeting pain, don’t relieve it, but fight it, and feel it, see what it can offer you. My teacher told me - “You don’t have to surrender, you can attack.” This in itself, doesn’t teach you about the other, it teaches you about yourself.
Every day, I have felt the deepest pain ever. I have almost vomited in pain, shivering, and dry heaving, seeing double, and cross eyed, sweating profusely and yet each time, I sat and relaxed into the pain. I mean really sat with the pain, eyes opened, in silence and stillness for at least 45 minutes and most times, three times per day, focusing only on my breath. And each time I did, I developed a new understanding of who I am. I am seeing my true self, building resilience, recognizing my default mechanisms and ways I cheat myself from experiencing all that I deserve in life.
I am blessed with the opportunity to continue to explore the depths of me in this training and I so humbled by it all. I am training on grounds where warriors have been built, I am surrounded by individuals who are brave, sharp, humble, and fully supported by an eternal lineage of excellence. This is a major reason why I surrender to my pain because here, I can trust in the process. I see what this ‘work’ produces, and I am committed to exploring my pain, my attachment to this pain, and ultimately knowing who I am beyond this pain.
I have a long way to go. But I am going deeper every day. Breaking apart to become whole again.
Peace awaits. I can feel it. But pain first.
You can only see your true strength by moving through what is challenging you.